Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
there is glitter all over my balls
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
