Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
