Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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