She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We left an ass print on the piano.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
