New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize