i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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