I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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