We're like a lot better than the average bears
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
