I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
