im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize