"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
