I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
