I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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