We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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