I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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