I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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