I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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