The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
