just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
