You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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