my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize