dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize