I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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