I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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