remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize