The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
