i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
