dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
They took my balls.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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