A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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