Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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