have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
