I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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