im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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