Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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