Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I want a musical about memes.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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