I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
