i wish my penis had a tongue
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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