Jerry, you need to find god
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
