I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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