I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
