Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
