I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
