3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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