none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
