True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
