I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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