Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
