this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize