On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
