Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
