I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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