The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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