Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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