I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
