My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
