someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
