You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
