I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I want is dick and wine.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
