On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I want to have your abortion
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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