i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
