I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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